Don't I have a pretty horsie?
“Oh, my son is too old for that kind of thing. We’re not really very religious either. I’m sorry.”
“Really. He’s older?”
“Yes, he’s going to be starting his senior year of high school in September.”
“Does he drive?”
“Yes. Why do you ask?”
“I’m looking for someone to help me deliver books next week. I need someone who has a car. I’m paying $20 a day for six days plus meals and gas.”
“He is looking for a job. He might be interested but he’s not home right now. Could you stop back later?”
“Where is he now?”
“He’s at the Dairy Queen with his friends for lunch.”
“That’s not far. I could go see him there.”
“Sure if you like. His name is Jeff. He’s tall and thin with wavy brown hair.” She looked a little baffled.
“Thanks a lot Ma’am.” With that I left. Finally I had a lead on a driver and I wasn’t going to let it go cold, either. I picked up my bike and headed off to the Dairy Queen. The sun glinted off of the red and white ‘DQ’ sign, somehow invoking thoughts of ice cream in me.
I parked my bike in front of the big glass window so that I could keep an eye on it. I walked into the DQ and surveyed the patrons for someone fitting Jeff’s description. I recognized him sitting with two other kids at a booth. He really was quite handsome; could have been a model. I went to the counter and ordered a banana split with everything on it. It was a work of art when completed. I paid and took my frozen lunch over to Jeff’s table. I stood a few feet from the end of their table and said to the one that looked like Jeff, “Hi there, Jeff. My name is Susan Fairview. I was just up at your house and your Mom said you might be looking for some work toward the end of the summer.”
“Yes I am. How did you find me here?”
“Your Mom told me you were here.”
“Oh. Please join us. This is Linda and James.”
“Thanks. So what are you kids studying in school?” I decided to make light conversation with them.
“Nothing.” they answered dejectedly in unison. Then they laughed at their simultaneous replies. We all got into a conversation about schools in the area. Apparently, some kids went to a private school that was really respected. These kids did not. They seemed barely literate. Their English was poor and they had no knowledge of anything they should have had by their age. They seemed to know it too. But, none of them had any lofty goals such as going on to college or, heck, even graduating seem lofty to one of them. But they all seemed happy as clams. After a while, Jeff’s two friends excused themselves so that Jeff and I could get down to business.
“So, what is the deal?” he asked.
“I need someone to drive me around with my books to be delivered for a week. The pay is $20 per day with meals and gas. Are you interested?”
“Sure. I could use the work. Thanks.” He added that he drove an older model dark green Impala. The car was large enough to do the job.
We made some arrangements and I left.
Last week, Justin presented to an inner city emergency room with vomiting, a high fever, and abdominal pain, saying that he had done some drugs. He was admitted into detox. On day two his mother, who is a nurse and our next door neighbor, suggested that a CT scan be run to rule out appendicitis, but her suggestion was rejected while the staff was trying to figure out why the drugs were shutting his organs down. Four days later he had died from peritonitis from a ruptured appendix diagnosed late on day three, when it was already too late. He was only 27 years old. We just returned from the wake, and the funeral is tomorrow. He is also survived by his father and brother.
Beautiful Boy by John Lennon
Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,
Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,
Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,
Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,
Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Darling,
Darling,
Darling Justin.
Photo courtesy of Matt
An hour later we lay covered in hot sweat. He turned his blue eyes towards me and looked right through me. Then a car drove up. My eyes opened widely wondering who it was. He inched up to look out the window. “It’s my Dad. You stay here. I have to go down, but I’ll be right back.”
And with that he left. He grabbed his shorts and headed down the stairs. I sank into the pillows. I could hear talking outside and once even peeked out the window to glimpse his dad.
Evan returned in a bit. “Have to suck up to the old man. He pays for most of this.” He gestured to the house.
“What did he say?”
“He asked if I wanted to get back to the piece of ass upstairs, but I told him I already had that.”
“Oh Evan, you charmer.”
We both laughed. He got serious again and said, “So why don’t you tell me what happened to you today?”
I just blurted it all out. “Mary got caught at home when she wasn’t supposed to be by a phone call from Robbie, our sales director, and to keep from getting fired she ratted on me about the night I spent away from home with you. I called Robbie today and he told me I was fucking around on the bookfield. I had to eat mightily big crow so as not to get fired.”
“When did this happen?”
“At
“I see. Well, you thought that night might have been a problem. I’m glad that you didn’t get fired but its hard for me to think that you have to put up with this much shit for your job. It just doesn’t seem right or worth it.”
“That’s why I came here to see you. I just had to have some time to get away from it all.”
“I’m glad you thought of me first!” He smiled and kissed my forehead. “Are you still very angry?”
“Yeah. I think I’ll be angry for some time.”
“Maybe this will help.” He got up from bed and went to a hallway closet. When he came back he was holding a rifle. “I like to target shoot when I’m mad. Come on. Give it a try. Do you know how to shoot?”
“No. I’ve never even touched a gun before. Where are we going to shoot? In the bedroom?” We still had no clothes on. I had learned over the summer that guns were common here. Almost everyone had one. It didn’t cause me too much concern that Evan had a target rifle in the house. He beckoned to me with one hand and held the rifle with the other. I went over to where he was standing. It was the first time I noticed that the bedroom had a second floor balcony on it. Evan opened one of the sliding glass doors.
“This is a 22 caliber rifle.” He took a box of ammunition out of a nearby drawer and loaded the bullets into the rifle. “It’s loaded now. Never ever point a gun at anyone unless you intend to kill them.” His voice was dead serious now. “Let me show you how to hold the rifle properly.” He placed the weapon in my hands and positioned it so that my left hand supported the barrel and my right hand held the trigger mount. He showed me how to sight down the barrel. He bent over and picked up the lid of what seemed to be a jelly jar from the floor of the balcony. He tossed it out onto the lawn as if he were trying to skim a stone. It landed about ten yards away from the house and its metallic top shone brightly in the sun.
“Now aim at the jar lid. When you think you have it sighted, hold your breath, and squeeze the trigger.”
The rifle felt light in my hands. I sighted down the barrel and could see the jar lid. I held my breath, but the rifle jerked, and so I didn’t shoot. Here I was, standing naked on the balcony aiming a rifle! I tried to concentrate again on the target. This time I took a deep breath, sighted the target as I exhaled slowly, and squeezed the trigger gently. The gun made a loud ‘pop’ noise and jerked back slightly. The lid skittered away a yard or so as the bullet struck it.
“You hit it!” Evan exclaimed. “Good job. How did that feel?”
“Pretty good. Let’s throw another out there.”
“No, no. You have to hit the same lid again. Each time you hit it, it gets harder. Just picture Robbie’s face on the lid and try it.”
I hit the lid three more times in succession before it skittered right out of sight. I had to admit that it felt good.
“You’re quite a shot, a natural.”
“Thanks. Yeah, must be I inherited it from my dad who was a marksman in World War II. That was fun!”
I handed Evan the rifle, and he made sure it was unloaded. He leaned it up against the wall of the bedroom. We spent the rest of the afternoon together. It was glorious. It was the first time off from the bookfield that I had taken all summer and the break made me feel rejuvenated. I treasured every moment that I spent with Evan.
At nine o'clock I returned home. I don't think I could have come home at all if it were not for the break.
I had last been to the
Finally we reached Phil’s condo which was about 5 stories tall and shaped like a “u”. Phil’s unit was on the third storey. In the middle of the “u” were a swimming pool and Jacuzzi and it opened to a stunning view of the
They let me sleep until dinner time. I awoke, groggy and stuffed up and not really feeling like doing much. We had dinner at some fish place where all you could get was battered fried fish, which I don’t like. Though, they both assured me that they had eaten well all week.
The next morning, I awoke early feeling a bit better and Phil was up. I accompanied him for his morning constitutional walk on the beach. The sand was hard and white as we strode across it; him going for time and me looking for shells. It was too cold to go in the water. When we got back to the condo, Sean was up. We went to a local chain restaurant where Phil could get a senior citizen’s discount. Man, that place was cheap. But, you can’t really fuck up breakfast. The hot aromatic coffee was most welcome. Sean and I spent the rest of the day in and around
Sean and I rented a sit on top Kayak for two and paddled around the local estuaries. He kept telling me to look out for dolphins as he and Phil had seen them swimming along side the small power boat they had rented to explore this very area. I really wanted to see them, but we never did.
The ever elusive dolphin.
We visited a place called dog beach and I wished we had brought our dog. I became very tired and crapped out and Sean had to paddle the whole way back. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t paddling, but Sean said that he was fine with it. I love him so much sometimes. By the time we got back to the kayak rental place and to the caddy, I was all in. I fell asleep in the back seat on the way back to the condo. The back seat of a Cadillac is very comfortable, actually all the seats are, just in case you were wondering. Sean woke me up and I could barely walk up to the stairs to our place. I begged off dinner and I think they brought me something, but I was so out of it that I don’t remember. The next day we were going to drive via Alligator Alley to
I rode my bike slowly southwest to where I had left off. I was in no hurry to begin selling yet. Being upset would not help my sales, and I decided to stop at a diner for breakfast. I had forgotten that I missed dinner last night. I knew that there was a home style cooking place at Five Points that had great food. It would be a real treat to stop for breakfast.
The diner was in a brick building with large square windows on the corner. All but one of the street corners at Five Points were less than 90 degrees, and the brick building’s corner was at whatever acute angle that was. The windows of the diner jutted out from the building. I sat at a yellow Formica booth between these windows to watch the traffic go by.
I ordered a stack of pancakes and coffee from the waitress. I forgot to ask her to hold the grits, but otherwise, my buttermilk pancakes were great. I put my nose over the steaming cup of coffee and thought about what might happen when I called Robbie at
Staying out one night couldn’t be as big a deal as what Mary was doing. Actually I was still struggling with why it was a problem at all. Besides, I had apologized to Mary. Certainly, as a guy, Robbie would understand staying out one night. Regardless of what Robbie would say, I knew that I had to be compliant and accede to his wishes to avoid being fired. But, I hardly thought it would come to that.
I finished my pancakes, and paid the bill. I rode through my territory stopping at each house to sell books. I smiled at every Mrs. Jones and extolled the value of my books. I entered houses and left them. All the while, I worried about calling Robbie at
Before I knew it, it was
“Hello.” It was Robbie who had answered on the first ring.
“Hi Robbie. It’s Sue. You asked that I call you at
“Sue. YOU’RE JUST FUCKING AROUND ON THE BOOKFIELD!!!” he yelled at the top of his voice. “You’re out there to sell books! How dare you spend a night away from your roommates? Did you think of Mary? Had you considered her feelings? You guys were supposed to be in this together, and then you abandon her to get laid? Give me any reason to keep you out there even another day!”
I just let his insulting and angry words run past me right after the word ‘fucking’. I had to remain in control of myself to get through this without exploding into a rage. I tried to focus on my goal of not getting my ass fired.
“I’ve already apologized to Mary.”
I stopped talking to see if saying this helped any.
“You have?” It seemed to take a little wind out of his sails.
“Yes. I apologized to her as soon as I saw her, before she told me you had called. I also apologized to Chris. I promised both of them that it would not happen again.” I very carefully brought up no other issues, and made no excuses either.
“Well it’s a good thing that you did or you would have been out of there! When is your delivery week?” I was glad that he changed the subject.
“The week after next. I sell the rest of this week and all next week. My last week will be delivery.”
“That’s a lot of books to deliver in a week, Sue. Mary’s going to deliver for two weeks. Have you arranged for someone to drive you during delivery?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, Sue you better hustle your buns and find somebody or you’re not going to make it.”
“I will Robbie. Don’t worry.”
“Okay. Now keep your mind on Mrs. Jones. Bye.”
He hung up. I slammed the phone down on the receiver. “That fucking, goddamned, sexist pig, asshole!” I said aloud. Who the fuck was he with his sexist fucking remarks, and his rapist fucking sales managers, to accuse me of fucking around on the bookfield? I toyed with the idea of putting my fist through the glass of the phone booth. My breathing became heavy as hate derived adrenaline surged through me and clouded all rational thought from my mind. How dare he?
I couldn’t even think of what he might have known from Chip and Gregg about my behavior with them. I couldn’t even entertain thoughts of his calling them to find out more about my sexual behavior on the bookfield. God only knows what they told him. I shut my mind to that, but outrage and humiliation over this insult was galloping across me like a stampede. There was no stopping it.
I felt that I could not go back to the Sanders’ and see Mary. I could have killed her right then for ratting on me. I sat in the sweltering heat and humidity of the phone booth. I felt that I would suffocate from my own anger, as well as the heat, if I stayed in there. I pushed open the hinged door and walked back out to my bike. I grasped its handle bars as if it was the only friend I had in the world. The fresher air helped me to think.
I had achieved my goal in the face of an incredible challenge. I had demonstrated ultimate control even though my comeuppance was far more unreasonable than I thought it would or should be. But, was it the right thing to do? Doubt tugged at me. Could I have stood up for myself with Robbie and still stayed on the bookfield? What if I had said, “How dare you.” and continued by telling him how his sales managers had behaved? Maybe he wouldn’t have believed me anyway. There seemed like there was no knowing if what I had done was the best way. But I was still on the bookfield and that was my goal.
Still on the bookfield, but feeling beyond being able to knock on a door was how I felt. I needed to have some revenge on Robbie for what he had said. That was when I thought of Evan. Mary was taking afternoons off for God knows how long and I was not allowed to spend even one night away from home. What if just this once, I took an afternoon off? I had always worked my 80 hour weeks dutifully all summer. Didn’t I deserve one afternoon off? I decided to let fate decide. If Evan was home, I would take the afternoon off, if not, I don’t know what. I couldn’t quite commit myself to working yet.
I returned to the phone booth and fumbled in my wallet for Evan’s number. I dialed it and Evan answered after only a few rings.
“Hello?”
“Hi there. How would you like some afternoon delight?” It was the name of a song popular that summer by the Starland Vocal Band. You know, ‘Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight… sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight’.
“How fast can you get here?” He had instantly recognized my voice.
“Fifteen minutes.”
“See you then!”
I rode like the wind to get there. I delighted in seeing Evan’s motorcycle outside. I ditched my bike as he swung the screen door open for me. He was wearing royal blue nylon running shorts, and that was it. He began undressing me as we raced up the carpeted stairs to the bedroom. I was feeling aggressively desperate for physical loving; I wanted to fuck and be fucked hard. Evan was there for me in every way I needed.
Citizen Group Strategy Meeting
Our Citizens’ Group meets every now and then to direct the functioning of the group at large. Quite a lot of work goes into opposing applications to the P&Z and coordination is also required. The group has several ad hoc leaders: our member lawyer, Sean, the woman whose house we are at, and our retiree who has worked with historical preservation in
The Citizens’ Group held a quick strategy meeting about the Walgreens Pharmacy application at one of the member’s houses. The meeting was run by the member lawyer. He predicted that the P&Z would approve the Walgreens application (hardly a revelation) and then outlined our strategy going forward:
b) Finding that special permit will not lower property taxes – assigned to woman
a) Contact the National Trust for Historical Preservation which works with pharmacies not to demolish historical buildings – assigned to retiree
b) State Environmental Protection Act now includes intervention to protect the public trust in historic structures. One of the members (Bobby) is doing this and has a pro bono lawyer. This person is automatically an appellant after approval.
c) Involve the State Attorney General (in an extreme case) – assigned to member lawyer
A question came up at our meeting. Many of the 200 to 300 members of the citizens’ group are looking for things to do to help. How can we get the message out for them to vote down the land swap? Cross that bridge when we come to it.
P & Z Vote on Walgreens Pharmacy
A motion was made to approve the special permit at 7:
The Intervenor issues were addressed in a memo from the Zoning Enforcement Officer. (The intervenor himself, Bobby, was sitting in front of me, and I asked him if he had seen any memo and he said that he had not.) From the acting chair’s comments it was evident that she did not understand the point of the intervention and thought it was all a matter of taste rather than preserving something historic. She said, “How could we ever get anyone to agree to one design?”
Some of the public’s questions were answered but so superficially as to be insulting. Correspondence was mentioned, but many times it would be something like, “Oh and so and so wrote a letter but I don’t remember what it said.” Liability for accidents on the shared parking lot was a matter for the Selectmen and Turnpike Properties so not in the P&Z jurisdiction. The new town plan is 80% complete and only needs approval and the Greenways amendment is within 10 years so that is okay too. Many topics were just mentioned; not even answered. Oh, and by the way, 10,000 square feet is not a big box store, it has to be 60-70,000 square feet to be a big box store. The professor that came and spoke pro bono was not a resident and did not present a net impact.
The acting Chair’s tone was arrogant and dismissive. I was disgusted and left before the vote. I could see the way it was going to go.
The permit was approved unanimously with some small changes.
Our bright shiny new pharmacy!
Next…
The Land Swap meeting.
Before Sean left, he was having trouble with his Audi Quattro’s brakes and dropped it off at the local service station. He then took a cab to the airport to fly to
The next day, I went to work. I called the service station and they said that what the car needed was this special German hydraulic brake fluid that was $25 per can and they had put it in. I could come and pick it up any time. But it had started to snow really hard that afternoon, so I just drove the 27 miles home from work on the unplowed slippery roads and was glad to get home in one piece. It was not that the roads were such a problem for me, but the other drivers were a hazard.
The next day, there was lots of snow, about 6 inches, but I made it into work and back alright. But, now I felt like I was coming down with something. I really had to pick up Sean’s car. So, when I got home, I bundled up in a turtle neck, sweater, long underwear, jeans, hiking socks and snow boots, ski hat, gloves and jacket, and trudged the 1.5 miles through the snow to the service station to get Sean’s car. 
The station was closed, but they had left the key under the floor mat. I drove it home, but by the time I got there the brakes were already squishy. I called Sean and told him about the brakes. He called his friend Eric and asked him to come over the next morning, Saturday, to check on the car.
Eric, an all around really good guy, came over and looked at the car while it was running and I pressed on the brakes and he said that he could see the fluid pouring out of a hole in the system (and at $25 per can that is so not good). The all wheel drive Audi would be out of the picture until after our trip.
I would be driving my VW Golf GTI 16 Valve to the airport.
It wouldn’t be too bad since I had put Blizzak tires (they have sipes!) on it and the car handled pretty well in the ice and snow.
I packed so that I would be ready to go on Sunday. It was strange to be packing my swimsuit (Sean had already taken my fins, snorkel and wet suit) all the summer stuff when there was snow outside, but, exciting too. I still really wasn’t feeling well but decided that I would recover better on the beach than here in the freezing cold.
The next day, Sunday, the roads were clearer. I drove the 50 miles to the airport without incident, parked in the long term lot, took the shuttle to the airport, grabbed my one carryon bag and boarded my non-stop flight to
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Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.
This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.
